Mike James

I’m excited that my team, the New York Giants, are going back to their second Super Bowl in fourth year. Since I’m biased, I can’t write an impartial preview. So here to do that with a guest blog is my good friend, Guy With His Penis Stuck in a Bear Trap:

Are you ready for some football?!? I sure am! This Super Bowl promises to be one of the greats. If it’s half as good as the last Patriots/Giants matchup, it will be a real doozy. Today I’d like to break down this potentially classic tilt for you, component by component. Of course, I had to open my Uncle Steve’s Bear Trap Store today, so I’ll have to multi-task as I type this sitting in an aisle chock full of razor sharp bear traps. Oh, and also, he forgot to turn the heat off last night, so of course, I’m naked. Let’s get to the preview, shall we? We’re going to look at both teams’ offense, defense, special teams, and intangibles. At the end of each piece, I’ll tell you who I think has the advantage. First off, the Pats AHHHHHH, HOLY HELL A BEAR TRAP HAS ENSARED MY PENIS!

Offense
ARRRRRGGGGHHH! SOMEONE HELP! GOD THIS HURTS! IS THERE A DOCTOR ANYWHERE? SERIOUSLY, IS ANYONE IN THE STORE RIGHT NOW BUT ME? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!
Advantage:  SWEET JESUS THIS IS PAINFUL! IT FEELS LIKE A MILLION ORNERY PORCUPINES ARE STABBING WITH ME WITH ALL THEIR FURY!

Defense
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IS ANYONE OUTSIDE THE STORE?!? IT WOULD BE CLUTCH IF THERE WAS A DOCTOR DIRECTLY OUTSIDE THE STORE RIGHT NOW! BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?  IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE ANY MEDICAL DOCTORS WHO NEED BEAR TRAPS! AND IF THEY DO, IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S AN URGENT THING WHERE THEY HAVE TO BE THERE RIGHT WHEN THE STORE OPENS. IT’S PROBABLY A CASE OF, “SHEILA WANTS ME TO GO GET BREAD AND PICK UP JARED FROM SOCCER, SO I’LL JUST SWING BY THE BEAR TRAP STORE AFTER THAT. MAKE A DAY OUT OF IT.”
Advantage: OH GOD, THE SWELLING ALONE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FAINT….

Special Teams
YOU KNOW, YOU SEE A BEAR TRAP AND YOU SORTA THINK, THAT DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FINAGLE MY WAY OUT OF ONE, IF I EVER WAS SO UNLUCKY AS TO GET CAUGHT IN IT. BUT NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU, FRIENDS. NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU. THIS IS HELL ON EARTH. YOU CAN EVEN DO PENIS BEAR TRAP DRILLS, BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME. WELL, IT IS THE SAME, JUST WITHOUT THE BLOOD CURDLING TERROR THAT COMES WITH HAVING YOUR GENITALS STUCK IN A CONTRAPTION INTENDED TO MAIM.
Advantage: WHOA…I THINK I’M GOING INTO SHOCK. I’M STARTING TO SEE COLORED SHAPES, LIKE WHEN YOU RUB YOUR EYES FOR A LONG TIME.

Intangibles
THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, SO WHENEVER HELP ARRIVES, PLEASE TELL THEM TO HIT #34 ON THE STORE PHONE. I’VE GOT THE BEAR TRAP REMOVAL GUY ON SPEED DIAL. TELL HIM IT’S ME. PERCY. YOU ONLY NEED THE FIRST NAME, HE’LL KNOW. AFTER HIS INITIAL FRUSTRATION OVER HIM REPEATEDLY WARNING ME NOT TO GO NEAR BEAR TRAPS NAKED, PLEAD WITH HIM TO COME ANYWAY. HE WILL INSIST THAT I HAVE SOME SORT OF ADDICTION TO GETTING STUCK IN BEAR TRAPS, BUT REITERATE THAT THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT, REALLY. IF HE JUST COMES BACK AND HELPS ME OUT OF THIS ONE LAST JAM, I PROMISE NOT TO GO NEAR ONE MORE BEAR TRAP.
Advantage: I SWEAR. LAST TIME. WHY, LAST WEEKEND, I DIDN’T EVEN GO TO THE WOODS LOOKING FOR BEAR TRAPS TO SPRING.

Prediction: AFTER I HAVE BEEN PRIED FROM THIS METALLIC DEATH MECHANISM, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT I WILL ONLY GO NEAR A BEAR TRAP 2 TO 3 MORE TIMES, TOPS, BEFORE QUITTING ALTOGETHER.