It’s a Terrible Day to Die Hard
A Good Day to Die Hard premieres tomorrow on Valentine’s Day. It’s the fifth installment in the Die Hard series and at this point it’s getting ridiculous. Since Hollywood is going to keep milking the John McClane teat for as long as it provides milk, here are some ideas for Die Hard sequel names and plots:
DIE HARD 6: DYING HARD OR HARDLY DYING?
John McClane, now retired, is pulled out of retirement when Hans Gruber’s son organizes a terrorist threat in McClane’s hometown that’s really just a cover for him robbing the local 7-11. McClane initially attempts to stop him before Gruber bribes him with several taquitos.
DIE HARD 7: DIE HARDER…HARDER…OHHHHHHH, HARDER!
This time out McClane descends into the seedy world of sex trafficking to save his daughter. It’s pretty much just Taken with Bruce Willis.
DIE HARD 8: WARREN G. DIE HARD-ING.
McClane has to stop a band of evil terrorists who have infiltrated the former home of our 29th President, Warren G. Harding. Why? You’re guess is as good as mine. It ends with McClane smirking and saying, “Yippee-kay yay, Gamaliel.”
DIE HARD 9: POTATO, POHTAHTO. DIE HARDO, DIE HAHRDO.
While foiling a terrorist plot at an airport or bank or something, McClane gets into an argument over the correct pronunciation of nuclear. He says it’s pronounced how it’s spelled; the terrorist swears it’s pronounced “nuc-u-lar.”
DIE HARD 10: DIE HARDEES
Our hero faces his hardest challenge yet, as he attempts to consume a Thickburger without getting BBQ sauce on his dirt-stained tanktop.
DIE HARD 11: THE MEN WHO DIE HARD, AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM
It’s up to John McClane to stop a terrorist infiltration of the set of Maury, for some reason. After he foils the plot, he takes a paternity test to prove he’s not the father of a morbidly obese black woman’s child.
DIE HARD 12: DIE HARD BOILED EGGS
John awakens one morning to find an abandoned bird’s nest on his window sill. As the chicks hatch, he realizes he must take on the burden of raising them otherwise they’ll be hopeless. He becomes their new mother, teaching them the ways of the world and barfing pre-chewed bird food down their baby bird gullets.
DIE HARD 13: James DIE HARDen
McClane partners with electric Houston Rockets guard James Harden to take on a bunch of terrorists who want to rob a basketball arena for some reason.
DIE HARD 14: I JUST HAD A RUN, SO I NEED TO EAT AND GRAB A SHOWER, BUT FIRST…WE DIE HARD
This one is just an aging John McClane sitting on a park bench shaking his head at skateboarders.
DIE HARD 15: YOU IDIOTS WILL GO SEE ANYTHING IF WE FIT THE WORDS ‘DIE HARD’ IN THE TITLE, WON’T YOU?
Hans Gruber’s grandson goes down to the retirement home McClane’s staying at and tells him his cardigan is ugly. McClane takes a half-hearted swing at him with his cane, but he misses. A security guard walks by and says, “Is there a problem here?” and young Gruber leaves without further incident.
DIE HARD 16: JOHN MCCLANE QUITE LITERALLY DIES HARD
At the ripe old age of 100, while having sex with his young mistress, John McClane gently passes away with a full-on erection.