I’m excited that my team, the New York Giants, are going back to their second Super Bowl in fourth year. Since I’m biased, I can’t write an impartial preview. So here to do that with a guest blog is my good friend, Guy With His Penis Stuck in a Bear Trap:

Are you ready for some football?!? I sure am! This Super Bowl promises to be one of the greats. If it’s half as good as the last Patriots/Giants matchup, it will be a real doozy. Today I’d like to break down this potentially classic tilt for you, component by component. Of course, I had to open my Uncle Steve’s Bear Trap Store today, so I’ll have to multi-task as I type this sitting in an aisle chock full of razor sharp bear traps. Oh, and also, he forgot to turn the heat off last night, so of course, I’m naked. Let’s get to the preview, shall we? We’re going to look at both teams’ offense, defense, special teams, and intangibles. At the end of each piece, I’ll tell you who I think has the advantage. First off, the Pats AHHHHHH, HOLY HELL A BEAR TRAP HAS ENSARED MY PENIS!

Offense
ARRRRRGGGGHHH! SOMEONE HELP! GOD THIS HURTS! IS THERE A DOCTOR ANYWHERE? SERIOUSLY, IS ANYONE IN THE STORE RIGHT NOW BUT ME? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!
Advantage:  SWEET JESUS THIS IS PAINFUL! IT FEELS LIKE A MILLION ORNERY PORCUPINES ARE STABBING WITH ME WITH ALL THEIR FURY!

Defense
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IS ANYONE OUTSIDE THE STORE?!? IT WOULD BE CLUTCH IF THERE WAS A DOCTOR DIRECTLY OUTSIDE THE STORE RIGHT NOW! BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?  IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE ANY MEDICAL DOCTORS WHO NEED BEAR TRAPS! AND IF THEY DO, IT’S NOT LIKE IT’S AN URGENT THING WHERE THEY HAVE TO BE THERE RIGHT WHEN THE STORE OPENS. IT’S PROBABLY A CASE OF, “SHEILA WANTS ME TO GO GET BREAD AND PICK UP JARED FROM SOCCER, SO I’LL JUST SWING BY THE BEAR TRAP STORE AFTER THAT. MAKE A DAY OUT OF IT.”
Advantage: OH GOD, THE SWELLING ALONE IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FAINT….

Special Teams
YOU KNOW, YOU SEE A BEAR TRAP AND YOU SORTA THINK, THAT DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD. I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FINAGLE MY WAY OUT OF ONE, IF I EVER WAS SO UNLUCKY AS TO GET CAUGHT IN IT. BUT NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU, FRIENDS. NOTHING CAN PREPARE YOU. THIS IS HELL ON EARTH. YOU CAN EVEN DO PENIS BEAR TRAP DRILLS, BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME. WELL, IT IS THE SAME, JUST WITHOUT THE BLOOD CURDLING TERROR THAT COMES WITH HAVING YOUR GENITALS STUCK IN A CONTRAPTION INTENDED TO MAIM.
Advantage: WHOA…I THINK I’M GOING INTO SHOCK. I’M STARTING TO SEE COLORED SHAPES, LIKE WHEN YOU RUB YOUR EYES FOR A LONG TIME.

Intangibles
THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, SO WHENEVER HELP ARRIVES, PLEASE TELL THEM TO HIT #34 ON THE STORE PHONE. I’VE GOT THE BEAR TRAP REMOVAL GUY ON SPEED DIAL. TELL HIM IT’S ME. PERCY. YOU ONLY NEED THE FIRST NAME, HE’LL KNOW. AFTER HIS INITIAL FRUSTRATION OVER HIM REPEATEDLY WARNING ME NOT TO GO NEAR BEAR TRAPS NAKED, PLEAD WITH HIM TO COME ANYWAY. HE WILL INSIST THAT I HAVE SOME SORT OF ADDICTION TO GETTING STUCK IN BEAR TRAPS, BUT REITERATE THAT THIS IS NOT THE CASE. I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT, REALLY. IF HE JUST COMES BACK AND HELPS ME OUT OF THIS ONE LAST JAM, I PROMISE NOT TO GO NEAR ONE MORE BEAR TRAP.
Advantage: I SWEAR. LAST TIME. WHY, LAST WEEKEND, I DIDN’T EVEN GO TO THE WOODS LOOKING FOR BEAR TRAPS TO SPRING.

Prediction: AFTER I HAVE BEEN PRIED FROM THIS METALLIC DEATH MECHANISM, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT I WILL ONLY GO NEAR A BEAR TRAP 2 TO 3 MORE TIMES, TOPS, BEFORE QUITTING ALTOGETHER.

It all started one day when I was doing a particular set of exercises at my local gym. A trainer approached me. I said, “Hey, pal, I was right in the middle of a particular set of reps. What gives?” He tells me what’s all the rage in the fitness community: wolf-fighting. Apparently it’s a great way to get your cardio in, plus you get to meet a particular set of babes after you get a particular set of six pack abs. So I retired to my study with a particular set of books on the subject and began a particular set of workout classes designed to help people fight wolves. They took place every Wednesday from 5-7. It was right after my particular set of zumba classes, so the timing was especially fortuitous.  

After a particular set of 8 weeks worth of classes and a particular set of graduation ceremonies commemorating my spot as valedictorian of my wolf-fighting class, it was on to the real thing. I was scheduled to fight a particular set of wolves in a particular set of 15 round bouts, each fight a week apart. I ended up going 2-2, which isn’t a particular set of great, but it was a particular set of good starts.

Despite everyone (even the wolves I fought) telling me what was a decent beginning to my wolf-fighting career, my .500 record left me with a particular set of melancholy feelings. I should have performed better! What I realized was that I needed a particular set of expert tutelage. Many told me that I needed to seek out a particular set of wolf-fighting trainers but I said no. The best way to learn how to fight a particular set of wolves would be to learn from a particular set of wolves.

I settled on an old grizzled wolf who lived in a particular set of squalor in a shitty studio apartment. Initially he had me doing a particular set of mundane chores around the house that had nothing to do with fighting. Once we began a particular set of fighting exercises though, I realized that the particular set of movements I had mastered while Swiffering his kitchen floor would come in a particular set of handy when I fought wolves! My sensei also cautioned me about starting my career to fast by flaming out against a particular set of experienced wolves, so to begin he had me work my way up to their level by fighting a particular set of puppies.

Yep, so for awhile it was just me walking around town with my wolf-sensei on my back, looking for a bunch of puppies to deliver a particular set of ass-kickings to. After puppies I graduated to a particular set of full grown dogs. After dogs, it was onto a particular set of wolves with shitty fighting ability referred to as “tomato cans.”  I destroyed all of these hacks. After a particular set of fights in which I won in a particular set of early-round knockouts, we were contacted by a particular set of representation for the heavyweight champion wolf, wanting to give an unknown like myself a title shot in my hometown. Even though he kicked a particular set of shit out of me and won on points, I was able to go the distance and earn everyone’s respect. I then had a particular set of wolf fights go extremely against a particular set of competitors such as a wolf that wore gold chains and a mohawk, a massive Russian wolf, and Tommy Morrison in a sports bar, for some reason.

So let this be a warning to you, wolves: Liam Neeson doesn’t fuck around. I have a particular set of background fighting you. Just because we’re going to be in the Alps, or Wisconsin, or wherever this shitty movie takes place, doesn’t negate my particular set of experiences. You may think you’re tough, but after I’ve boxed your ears in and have you crying for your wolf mothers, don’t expect Liam Neeson to grant you a particular set of mercy.

GIANTS 29, JETS 14
In the Battle of New York, the Giants asserted dominance over the Jets and marked their territory. Many feel that coach Tom Coughlin went too far, however, by peeing on Rex Ryan’s slippers.

COLTS 19, TEXANS 16
The Colts take another step towards not getting Andrew Luck. To continue the trend, at halftime next week they’re planning to give the Stanford Tree mascot and Andrew Luck’s dad a joint blanket party.

RAVENS 20, BROWNS 14
Baltimore finished the season 8-0 at home. Perfection at home is a foreign concept to most folks in Charm City, as not many realize that 97% of all Baltimore residents are actually homeless crackheads.

NINERS 19, SEAHAWKS 17
After allowing their first rushing TD of the season to Marshawn Lynch, San Francisco coach Jim Harbaugh did not allow his team to eat their usual postgame meal. “I refuse to accept mediocrity on this team,” screamed Harbaugh afterwards, as he dumped a ladle full of disgusting goulash onto the plate of a sad and frightened Michael Crabtree.

LIONS 38, CHARGERS 10
Detroit clinched their first playoff berth since 1999. Saginaw, Michigan resident Bill Stevenson, who had been in a coma since 1999, woke up Saturday and was happy to see everything back to normal. “I can’t wait to see Barry Sanders and Herman Moore thrash the competition in January baby!” exclaimed Stevenson from his bed. “Now let’s blare the hit single Steal my Sunshine by Len, which adorned the radios of so many folks back when I last had my wits about me!”

EAGLES 20, COWBOYS 7
After the Giants secured a victory the Cowboys elected to rest several starters, not to rest them for the next week’s contest, but to let the game serve as a metaphor for the futility of human existence. Coach Jason Garrett will reportedly spend the next week devising game plans, executing practices, and reading lots of Sylvia Plath.

PANTHERS 48, BUCS 16
Cam Newton is on his way to the best rookie season since Henry Rowengartner closed out games for the Cubbies back in ’93. Panthers fans will be sad to find that the comparisons to Rowengartner don’t end there, however, as the guy banging Newton’s mom has sold his contract to the Yankees.

VIKINGS 33, REDSKINS 26
Christian Ponder was hurt, Adrian Peterson tore his ACL, and the win removes the team’s chances of getting the first overall pick in next year’s draft. In other “Can it get any worse?” news, the bank foreclosed on the Metrodome leaving the team homeless and the wives and girlfriends of all 53 men on the Minnesota roster are having an affair with Aaron Rodgers.

RAIDERS 16, CHIEFS 13
Coach Hue Jackson didn’t have long to celebrate the victory, as he was haunted by former boss and current ghost Al Davis with the warning that he should change his ways and would be visited by three Christmas ghosts.

STEELERS 27, RAMS 0
Even with backup Charlie Batch in at QB, the Steelers didn’t miss a beat. In order to maintain cohesion for the team’s sake, after the game Batch went out, drank until he couldn’t see, and sexually assaulted as many girls as he could.

BILLS 40, BRONCOS 14
“This is ridiculous,” said Tim Tebow after his disasterous performance, “I jerk off ONE TIME and God makes me have a game like this.”

TITANS 23, JAGUARS 17
Heading into week 17, the Titans are actually still alive for a playoff berth in the “Um, what the fuck?” stat of the week.

BENGALS 23, CARDINALS 16
Somehow, this loss eliminates the Cardinals from playoff contention NEXT year.

PATRIOTS 27, DOLPHINS 24
New England’s awesome, 27 unanswered point second half and terrible first half were really just a tribute to Coach Bill Belichick’s favorite Batman villain, Harvey ”Two-Face” Dent. ”Coach is always telling us how much he loves Batman’s rogues gallery,” said Patriots defensive lineman Vince Wilfork. “For next week, we’re all going to shave our heads and grow weird beards to look like Hugo Strange.”

PACKERS 35, BEARS 21
Aaron Rodgers threw for 5 touchdowns and eliminated the Bears from playoff contention, robbing America of the chance to mercilessly ridicule Jay Cutler for bitching out of a playoff game.

WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
With nothing to play for, I look for the Falcons to lay down to the Saints. Drew Brees will break Dan Marino’s single season record for passing yardage, needing only 305 yards. And Julio Jones will break the record for most catches by a guy named Julio.

That’s all for week sixteen. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, or whenever I feel like it really, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

1) Hand present to Mom and my sister, Amy.

2) Fold hands behind my head like Han Solo and then fuckin’ chillax on the couch.

Mom always has the best decorations, no matter what. For example, to get this giant bow, she carjacked some guy driving a Lexus he was giving his wife for Christmas.

With none of our shopping done,  Amy and I decided to venture out and hand some of our hard earned money directly to the Chinese by shopping at Target.

I enjoyed the “Panini Press” name, just because it sounds like what they’d call it if Panera Bread ever came out with their own newspaper about baked goods.  “Today’s top story - scientists have discovered a new cure for cancer: bagels with a schrawberry schmear. Also, in sports, we’ll talk about a new innovation that may change the way baseball is played: using French baguette’s instead of bats. Turn to E1 for more.”

This orange thing is just a dog’s chew toy, and I know I have the mental maturity of a fifth grader, but really…how can anyone look at that and see anything BUT a dick and balls?

I think Giada DeLaurentiis is amazingly hot. But there is no way in hell she could convince me to let her give me one of these.

After Target it was off to Giant to grab some grub. We found some more things people sell that also look like dicks. I don’t know what’s more troubling about this product, the fact that they all look like half-black, half-white little dicks, or the fact that chocolate mushrooms are a thing.

“Festingos” sounds like they’re trying really hard to sound like it’s a real brand, but you know it isn’t. I’ve never had any, but I’m willing to bet you this is the “Dr. Perky” of the queso world.

We headed back to Target and saw this. I know things are getting expensive, but $15.00 for a McCafe? I don’t care what fancy name you call it, it’s just a cup of coffee. My favorite part of this is the sheer audacity of just leaving garbage out where other people will be shopping. “This shelf people regularly peruse looks like as good a place as any for my refuse. Welcome to Fredericksburg.” As we went to leave, we had to laugh, as it surely couldn’t get worse than this….

WELL THIS IS A FINE HOW-DO-YOU-DO! Say what you will about the $15 McCafe, but at least there was some coffee in it!  You expect me to pay $33.24 for a mostly empty Starbucks cup, Target? No chance. I’ll give you $25.76, tops.

I was going to take more pictures, but the bouncer at Target ended up throwing me into the street. Merry Christmas everybody!

HOME IMPROVMENT
After Al drunkenly comes onto to the Tool Time Girl (Pamela Anderson) at Tim’s Christmas party, Tim and Al convince her to participate in a Christmas Eiffel Tower in which they grunt like gorillas and wear nothing but tool belts. Wilson weirdly peers at the scene from over his fence next door.

COACH
Hayden and Luther have no idea what to get Dauber, then hilarity ensues when Luther buys him four hours with an Asian escort. Even more hilarity ensues when Dauber frantically calls to tell them he accidently killed her. The three bury her at a Christmas tree lot over some warm cups of cocoa and a few laughs.

FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR
This one was just 22 minutes of Uncle Phil eating a three whole Christmas turkeys and making the whole family sit their uncomfortably and watch him do it to prove some kind of point after Will stayed out past curfew or something like that.

FAMILY MATTERS
Laura and Urkel keep trying to top each other over who gets the most expensive Christmas gift. Laura finally decides on getting him a top of the line microscope, while Urkel makes her a clone-Laura that’s just a cooler version of herself. Seriously, why weren’t more people bothered by the fact that Urkel regularly played God? There’s also an amusing coda during the credits where Carl finds a donut in Urkel’s God machine, goes in with a fly, and emerges as some sickly looking half-fly, half-Carl amalgamation.

FULL HOUSE
Danny gets drunk and tells the girls some horrifying secrets: 1) their mother had not died in a car accident, but killed herself due to hypochondria brought on by Danny’s excessive cleaning habits, 2) Joey was actually Michelle’s father, and 3) He had gotten Kimmy Gibler pregnant the previous Christmas and pushed her down the steps at a 49ers game for a makeshift abortion.

LIVING SINGLE
In the Kwanzaa episode, Khadijah is reunited with her long-lost husband, King Latifah.

PERFECT STRANGERS
Larry and Balki have no money for their girlfriends’ Christmas presents, so they turn to gambling on football. After placing bets they can’t afford and losing, a bookie ends up forcing them to rob a bank. Balki ends up killing a security guard, execution style, just to show everyone he means business.

STEP BY STEP
JT and Dana end up making out over some strong Christmas egg nog, followed by a ten minute loop of Patrick Duffy sighing and saying, “JT!” in that exasperated voice he used every episode. Also, that guy from Kickboxer II gets messed up and grabs Suzanne Somers’ left ass cheek.

MARTIN
Martin reacts to every Christmas present he receives by exclaiming “Dayum, Gina!”

GROWING PAINS
Ben doesn’t believe in Santa, but is shocked on Christmas Eve to find him in the Seaver’s living room, delivering gifts! It’s soon revealed however that it’s actually a home invasion, leading to a 14 minute Allan Thicke-on-Santa bareknuckle brawl which ends in Thicke breaking Santa’s back like Bane did to Batman.

I took a few weeks off, but we’re back with Week 15’s Rinse:

Chiefs 19, Packers 14
With KC’s win over the previously undefeated Packers, interim coach Romeo Crennel emerges as the clear favorite to win the “Best Coach Who Looks Like a Muffin” Award.

Cowboys 31, Bucs 15
Tampa’s eighth straight loss moves coach Raheem Morris from the Mike Tomlin “Young Black Coach Who Knows What He’s Doing” class down into Mike Singletary “Black Coach Who Talks Loudly and Aggressively To Cover Up That He’s Actually an Idiot” territory.

Falcons 41, Jaguars 14
With reports of Atlanta coach Mike Smith having heart troubles this week, this win means all the Falcons can go back to quietly ignoring it when Smith clutches his left arm at the dinner table for a few minutes, saying, “ARGH…shit,” then breathing deeply for a few minutes before screaming, “I’m fine…why’s everybody so fucking quiet? I said I’m fine, goddamnit! Eat your fucking soup.”

Redskins 23, Giants 10
The second Washington victory over New York marks the first Redskin sweep since the last time Albert Haynesworth swept one of his beefy paws over the jugs of a Reston, Virginia waitress.

Dolphins 30, Bills 23
The postgame press conference was interrupted by a haggard looking Tony Sparano, who burst in wearing sweats and smelling of urine, yelling, “Am I pissed that I got fired and screwed over? Damn straight, but not as mad as Jimmy Darmody should be after that rat bastard Nucky Thompson screwed him over and plugged him in the head. How in the hell you going to shoot your surrogate son like that? I’m here to tell you that Boardwalk Empire sucks, and nobody should watch it. RIP Jimmy.” Sobbing, Sparano then threw several garbage bags full of money back out to the crowd, tipped his cap, and tearfully bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”

Seahawks 38, Bears 14
Seattle’s recent run of success is due to one of three things: better preparedness, better coaching, or the fact that four weeks ago Tarvaris Jackson and Mike Vick were cursed by a Haitian witch doctor and forced to switch bodies.

Colts 27, Titans 13
The Colts first victory clarifies their way forward, and GM Bill Polian’s ultimate plan: that the Colts need neither Andrew Luck or Peyton Manning and plan to go with Dan Orlovsky as their quarterback of the future.

Bengals 20, Rams 13
Rookie WR A.J. Green keyed the Cincinnati win, battling an ankle injury to surpass 1,000 yards receiving. “Just a mild sprain,” Green said later about his ailment. “It’s nothing serious. I wouldn’t miss these games for my life.” In what would be a kickass Twilight Zone plot, Green was then asked by Satan if he’d miss the games for the life of some random guy he doesn’t know, plus $10 million in cash.

Saints 42, Vikings 20
Drew Brees is a lock to pass Dan Marino’s record for passing yards in a season. In order to complete the similarities to their career trajectories, Brees now plans to appear in an Ace Ventura remake starring Ryan Reynolds as Ace, Al Sharpton as Tone Loc, and Lady Gaga as Ray Finkel. Best part is, they won’t need any prosthetic genitalia for this one.

Lions 28, Raiders 27
Ndamukong Suh blocked what would have been a game tying Oakland field goal to end the game. “See? I can block field goals. I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m such a bad guy,” said Suh, who spent his two game suspension practicing kicking guys, robbing a bank, sneezing on all the blankets at a homeless shelter, and helping the Grinch steal Christmas.

Panthers 28, Texans 13
Highlight of the game was a Carolina trick play, in which the Panthers showed a video on the JumboTron of David Blaine doing some douche trick followed by the Texans being too angry at Blaine’s douchiness to tackle the ballcarrier.

Patriots 41, Broncos 23
Unfortunately, Tim Tebow’s connection with God could not overcome Bill Belichick’s pact with Lucifer in which he is allowed one AFC East title for each innocent soul he delivers to the Dark Lord. 

Eagles 45, Jets 19
This win marks the Philadelphia’s sixth win, a desperate attempt by the team to keep their slim playoff hopes alive, and the first time anyone has used the words slim to describe anything associated with Andy Reid.

Cardinals 20, Browns 17
This game ended in an overtime period that was officiated by coaches Ken Whisenhunt and Pat Shurmur, who stepped up when the game officials decided after regulation that they no longer gave a shit who won or lost.

Chargers 34, Ravens 14
Rumors of coach Norv Turner’s firing at season’s end did not deter San Diego from winning big. “All that off the field stuff, it’s for the birds,” said QB Phil Rivers. “We can’t control it. All we can do is go out there, play hard, and execute Coach Gruden’s game plan that he emails us the night before the game without the knowledge of the current coaching staff because he was secretly hired five weeks ago.” Rivers then paused and said, “Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Who’s Good for Tonight?
Ben Roethlisberger plans to play, so I think the Steelers edge the Niners in a close, defensive struggle. Much like the defensive struggle needed for any woman who comes within a 500 yard radius of Big Ben after a few Jack and Cokes. 

That’s all for week fifteen. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, or whenever I feel like it really, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

Today I’m going to tell you a horror story for the holidays. A gross tale of how a blockbuster movie released at Thanksgiving, a smoking hot country artist with crossover appeal, and countless kids and parents destroyed my child-like enjoyment of a once joyous holiday season.

My first job was at a movie theater when I was 16. My first day was July 7, 2000. The first few months were pretty easy. I didn’t know how to do anything, so not a whole lot was expected of me. But by the time the holidays rolled around, I was a trusted member of the staff with increased responsibilities. Which meant that instead of standing there like a dolt ripping tickets, I was now expected to stand there like a dolt and shovel popcorn.

There are three times you hate to work at a movie theater: holidays, summer weekdays, and payday.  I’d like to take you back to Wednesday, November 21, 2001. Day before Thanksgiving. Ron Howard and Jim Carrey came together to produce a movie about a green dog-looking creature who wanted to dress like Santa and fuck up everybody’s day. The Grinch was expected to be a huge hit, but this teenager didn’t realize just how much of a hit it would be.

Decked out in the terrible theater uniform (white, short sleeve, button down collared shirt, khakis, and a crimson vest caked in dried out butter flavoring), nothing seemed amiss and I expected a normal day. It had been a half day at school. I was scheduled for a seemingly simple 12-5 shift. After work I was heading to Dulles with my Dad and brother Greg to pick up my brother Jim from the airport, home from UMass. So I was in a pretty good mood, and expecting an easy enough time at work.

I was wrong.

They had the Grinch playing in three theaters, each one packed to the brim. Nothing but parents and their little terrible kids. And not just any kids. You know how when you go to the movies, some groups of kids are content to share popcorn or candy with their friends/siblings? I swear, every single kid in the theater that day had to have their own shit. No budding socialists up in that bitch.

Working behind the concession stand, I had waves of people purchasing terrible food at an exorbitant price. They mostly bought this thing called a kid’s pack, which was a small drink, a single scoop of popcorn, and a packet full of colored sugar known as “fun dip,” or as parents call it, “I-wish-I-got-a-vasectomy dip.” Fun dip is not really that fun for anyone. It’s the candy company’s way of giving up on creative ways to package sugar. “Fuck it. Why don’t we just color it, throw it in a bag and tell them it’s fun so it sounds like something cool? They’ll believe us because they’re kids, and the parents will be too busy wondering why they didn’t have an abortion to complain!” The fun dip was what made the kid’s pack deadly. It got the kids amped and ready to fuck shit up. They might as well have just given them a free scoop of cocaine.

After the initial rush, the boss lady told me I had to go clean theaters that were letting out. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but the theater was littered with garbage everywhere. It was an abomination, a veritable landfill. Popcorn, soda cups, candy, nacho trays. Probably some toxic waste. Dead animals. It was a true garbage wonderland. If you had told me an army of hobos had broken in and had a giant orgy, I couldn’t have disagreed with your assessment. Because of the film was in such high demand, these theaters had to be cleaned quickly.  Luckily, I had some tricks up my sleeve. Any of you aspiring movie theater employees should take note…here’s how you get a theater cleaned ASAP:

1) Sweep garbage under the seats. By the time the next crowd figures out they’re sitting in garbage, they’ll be so firmly ensconsed in the audience that they won’t want to get up.
2) Bring a partner – preferably a younger, impressionable employee – and begin to delegate immediately. Act like you know what you’re doing with strategic tips that sound logical. “Start at the top row, left corner. People tend to cluster on the left hand side when it’s busy.” This will not get the job done quicker, but you will have to do less.
3) Just leave shit there.

It was the first time I had faced a seemingly insurmountable rush at the theater. Serving what seemed like thousands of angry customers and then cleaning up after their mess seemed like a horrible enough fate. But as I waded through an army of garbage, I was taunted further. The end credits featured a Faith Hill song called Where Are You Christmas? It might not be the worst song ever made, but due to the circumstances and how I heard it, it will forever be the soundtrack to my own personal Hell. It was a sappy, faux poignant Christmas song about absolutely nothing. Seriously, read the lyrics. It reads like somebody who forgot the words to a song and made up new ones on the spot. Here’s an example:

Where are you Christmas
Why can’t I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can’t I hear music play

Um…what? Can’t hear music? You might want to check out a doctor right quick. Another way to read this: Faith Hill used to bang Santa Claus, and now she’s mad that he stopped returning her texts, so she used these lyrics as a thinly veiled metaphor of how pissed she is. Can’t you picture Santa sneaking out of her bed at 4 AM while she sleeps, slipping on his giant boots and red coat, making sure he flushes the rubber so she won’t try to catch him in a bogus pregnancy? Yeah, that kind of thing DOES happen out there fellas, so watch your backs.

For me, that terrible song is now synonymous with sheer terror. You know how in Inception, when that Edith Piaf song starts playing and everyone looks up with a worried look on their face? That’s how I am when I hear that piece of shit song.  To this day. Whenever it comes on the radio, I just assume I’ll end up getting a half-filled large cup of Dr. Pepper spilled directly on my shitty khakis by a five year old.

So when people ask me on Thanksgiving or Christmas if I want to go see a movie, I immediately say no. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I’d be too worried that someone will ask me to grab a broom and clean a theater. Or maybe they’ll ask that I jump behind the concession stand and scoop some popcorn into a bag while some ungrateful 5 year old bounces Whoppers off my forehead.  When you go to the movies this holiday season, make sure you go easy on the guy getting your popcorn. He may never felt what I felt, but everyone has their own personal Grinch.

And for Frosty’s sake, throw away your garbage.  

PACKERS 27, LIONS 15
Lions DT Ndamokuh Suh shoved a guy’s head into the ground three times and then stomped him in the arm. Suh’s explanation afterwards was that he was trying to maintain his balance, like the way Ike used Tina’s forehead to regain his composure.

COWBOYS 20, DOLPHINS 19
Fins coach Tony Sparano was dejected but optimistic after the loss. “Watching a tough loss is close,” lamented Sparano. “Kind of like the way Atlantic City treasurer Nucky Thompson’s bitch Margaret watched her daughter lost the use of her legs to polio on Boardwalk Empire. You know what else is tough? Being in over your head as a boss, which Jimmy Darmody most certainly is. Is he going to kill rival gangster Manny Horvitz? Is he going to reunite with his old pal Nucky? I have no fucking idea. That shit cray. The only way to find out is to tune into HBO every Sunday night at 9 PM.” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”

PATRIOTS 38, EAGLES 20
The unhappy Philly faithful let their displeasure be known by cascading the team with a “FIRE ANDY!” chant directed at coach Andy Reid. In response, owner Jeffrey Lurie immediately replaced Reid with Bucks, PA County resident Joe Mangiatoni, an overweight, unemployed greaseball who has spent the last 45 years of his life attaching his own emotional well being to the achievements of 53 grown men he has absolutely no personal connection to whatsoever.

RAVENS 16, 49ERS 6
John Harbaugh defeated Jim Harbaugh, in the first head to head coaching matchup of two brothers since week ten, when Mike Tomlin took on Marvin Lewis. The Ravens defense especially should be commended, as they didn’t have one linebacker on the active roster who had ever helped another guy try to kill a dude.

REDSKINS 23, SEAHAWKS 17
After breaking a six game losing streak, Skins coach Mike Shanahan reportedly allowed his constipated grimace to turn slightly upward in the greatest show of emotion his craggly, weatherbeaten face can manage.

CARDINALS 23, RAMS 20
Arizona CB Patrick Peterson returned yet ANOTHER punt for a TD to sink St. Louis, affirming his domination of his division rival. Peterson would have provided comment, but he was too busy banging out Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt’s wife then hanging out with Whisenhunt’s kids because they like Peterson better and wish he were really their Dad.

TITANS 23, BUCS 17
Despite the loss, for the second time in his career Bucs RB LaGarrette Blount did that thing where he jumps over a guy and then makes a long run. The defender he jumped over will face no punishment the team but has been let go from his second job as a subway turnstile.

FALCONS 24, VIKINGS 14
After opening up a 17 point lead, Atlanta let Minnesota get back in a game that was closer than it should have been. “At the end of the day, we had more points than they did,” Falcons coach Mike Smith said afterwards. “That’s the most important stat.” Smith paused, then added, “The least important stat? Number of emotions experienced by Falcons coach Mike Smith during the fourth quarter. I assure you, that number would be infinite!” Smith laughed for a moment, then began bawling into his satin kerchief.

BENGALS 23, BROWNS 20
The Browns wasted another good start to choke and lose again. “I’m not sure what to pin this one on,” sighed coach Pat Shurmur. “Poor playcalling, lack of execution, the fact that our team ate a huge, Thanksgiving turkey dinner at halftime with mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams, and thick gravy while washing it down with generous helpings of Mountain Dew. It could be any number of things.”

JETS 28, BILLS 24
Buffalo WR Stevie Johnson mocked Jets WR Plaxico Burress during a TD celebration by pretending to shoot himself in the thigh. Johnson would later drop what could have been the game-winning touchdown, making the earlier celebration a prescient metaphor for his upcoming gaffe. Ironic, because in high school Johnson was in an acapella group known as the Prescient Metaphors.

PANTHERS 27, COLTS 19
The Colts got one win closer to immortality, pushing their record to 0-11. Colts GM Bill Polian had no answers. “On one hand, we’re frustrated,” said Polian, “but on the other hand, I was able to get a great deal on a St. John’s Bay overcoat at JCPenney’s on Black Friday. $120 peacoat for just $49.98.” When asked to elaborate as to how that would have anything to do with the Colts or football at all, Polian simply took a swig from his soda, blankly stared ahead at nothing, nodded, and said, “Fuckin’ $49.98. Great deal.”

TEXANS 20, JAGUARS 13
With their top two quarterbacks out for the year, Houston will now turn to rookie  and former UNC QB TJ Yates for the remainder of the season. Ironically, their next available QB is Yates’ Bizarro World counterpart JT Tayes. Tayes is like Yates in every way except that he has a goatee, attended NC State, and is good at football.

BRONCOS 16, CHARGERS 13
With his seventh career victory, Tim Tebow joined legendary NFL passer Danny Kannell to become one of only two QBs with more wins than completions.

RAIDERS 25, BEARS 20
Sebastian Janikowski kicked a Raiders record six field goals in the victory and dedicated the effort to Polish kids everywhere who enjoy kicking things.

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 9
On the final play in regulation, Kansas City WR Dwayne Bowe did not attempt to catch a pass thrown by QB Tyler Palko despite having a clear shot at it with little opposition. This just confirms my theory that Arrowhead Stadium is indeed haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cornerbacks that hate Dwayne Bowe.

WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
The Giants need this win to keep pace with Dallas, so I like them with the upset over the Saints. Brandon Jacobs last week said that Giants fans boo the team too much so after the fans will be taking the team out to dinner and a show. Because every once in awhile a football team just wants to feel pretty.

That’s all for week twelve. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

* Would rather have an orgy with Jerry Sandusky and Chaz Bono.
* Would rather try to sit on a Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
* Would rather get molested and count on Mike McQueary to alert the proper authorities that I am in fact being violated.
* Would rather come across one of those Brazilian goliath bird-eating tarantulas at Starbucks, then awkwardly realize that he’s the one responding to my ad for a new roommate on Craig’s List.
* Would rather huff paint with all my relatives and then go shopping with them on Black Friday.
* Would rather have my home smell like the armpit of an Occupy Wall Street protester.
* Would rather get locked in a crate with an angry chimpanzee after someone dressed me like a lady chimpanzee (which is basically just me wearing a chimpanzee mask with a red bow on my head).
* Would rather get personally trained by a malfunctioning personal trainer robot that makes me run 25 miles an hour on the treadmill for 3 hours with no break.
* Would rather walk into the yard at a lady’s prison and yell out, “What’s up, you dumb tricks? Too stupid to get away from the cops, eh? Well no matter. I say, you over there with the mullet and the dumbbell? Fetch three of your heftiest gal pals and let us proceed with a foursome.”
* Would rather walk through an NAACP convention wearing the same sign John McClane did in Die Hard III.

Don’t go see Twilight, everybody.

RAIDERS 24, CHARGERS 17
Many Charger fans speculate that QB Phil Rivers lackluster performance in the Thursday night game was due to his anxiety over missing his favorite television program, The Mentalist. When asked about his team’s chances to win the AFC West after this crucial loss, Rivers stated, “What happened? Did the Mentalist make it out of this episode alive? Is he okay? Someone guarantee me that the Mentalist is okay! And if he’s not, then lie to me, damnit!”

SAINTS 26, FALCONS 23
Atlanta coach Mike Smith’s ill-fated decision to go for it on fourth down in overtime while deep in New Orleans territory has been widely criticized. “Look, we can play the blame game all day. Michael Turner got stuffed, the defense didn’t hold, the coaching staff spent all fifteen minutes of halftime huffing paint – the bottom line is that we as a team didn’t get it done. Now, off topic – does anyone have a plastic bag?”

STEELERS 24, BENGALS 17
Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau’s unit managed 2 fourth quarter interceptions of Andy Dalton. “We came up with a lot of big plays - or as we here in Pittsburgh like to call them, ‘Deep Dickings,’” said LeBeau. When asked about this, coach Mike Tomlin stated that LeBeau is the only one who calls them that.

COWBOYS 44, BILLS 7
This loss can be attributed to either the Bills poor defense, inept offense, or the fact that the team hypnotist finally took a week off after convincing the team to forget that they were still, in fact, the Buffalo Bills.

RAMS 13, BROWNS 12
The Browns continue to lose and search for answers. “You kind of scratch your head and wonder, ‘Where is all this bad luck coming from? Why?’ ” McCoy paused, then added, “My guess is  that it has something to do with that ancient Indian burial ground they built the stadium on. That or poor drafting.”

JAGUARS 17, COLTS 3
On the bright side, these two terrible teams exposed NFL fans in Jacksonville and Indianapolis to a much-needed clinic on how to get 3 and outs and punt.

BRONCOS 17, CHIEFS 10
Tim Tebow was only 2 for 8 as Denver ran the option almost all day in Denver coach John Fox’s passive aggressive method of turning Tebow into a running back. Next week’s game plan will include Tebow changing his uniform number to 32 and standing behind the team’s new “halfback” receiving direct snaps, Brady Quinn.

DOLPHINS 20, REDSKINS 9
After opening the season 0-7, the Dolphins won their second in a row and coach Tony Sparano feels optimistic. “Now that  we’re 2-7, we can breathe easy. But can Atlantic City treasurer Nucky Thompson? Will he galvanize the black community to strike and get help from “The Cause” over in Ireland? How the hell should I know, I haven’t watched this week’s episode. I’ve got it on DVR, so don’t tell me what happens. But you should watch, this Sunday and every Sunday, only on HBO!” Sparano then picked up a large briefcase full of money with the letters ”HBO” written on the front, tipped his cap, and bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”

CARDINALS 21, EAGLES 17
Philadelphia collapsed in the fourth quarter to drop to 3-6. Their playoff hopes all but dashed, the media is now free to once again bring up the fact that Michael Vick murdered defenseless animals in cold blood.

TEXANS 37, BUCS 9
The Texans offensive onslaught continues, as this week Arian Foster, Ben Tate, and Derrick Ward all had solid efforts on the ground. Feeling bold, Houston even again let coach Gary Kubiak take a few carries. Kubiak finished with -123 yards on 34 carries, including one unfortunate play where he somehow ended up getting his head shoved clean up Ronde Barber’s asshole.

TITANS 30, PANTHERS 3
Chris Johnson finally had a good day, rushing for 130 yards. Tennessee players and coaches heaped praise onto Johnson afterwards, which is akin to complimenting a deadbeat dad for making a child support payment because he finally did what he was supposed to do.

SEAHAWKS 22, RAVENS 17
Seattle rode an early lead to shock the world with a victory. “Coaches love nothing more than to get that situation in the fourth quarter and run the clock out,” Seattle coach Pete Carroll said, then added, “Actually, I probably love getting blown on my birthday more. But running the clock out is definitely second.”

BEARS 37, LIONS 13
Devin Hester returned yet another punt for a TD in a dominating Bears performance. This win lets Hester move closer to his lifelong dream of settling down with his wife and kids in a quiet, rural town on a farm somewhere while operating a kick returning school for underprivileged youths.

49ERS 27, GIANTS 20
Despite the Niners win, Giants WR Victor Cruz solidified his standing as the best NFL player whose name sounds like he’s the villain in a Michael Mann movie.

PATRIOTS 37, JETS 16
Although his Jets team came up short, coach Rex Ryan was not short on bluster. “I will guarantee you this,” said Jets coach Rex Ryan afterwards, “before the season is over, I will make at least two more guarantees.” Ryan then took a comically large bite out of a submarine sandwich and bolted off.

WHO’S GOOD FOR TONIGHT?
The Packers will manhandle the hapless Vikings. In an attempt to level the playing field, Aaron Rodgers plans to play this game blindfolded after drinking a handle of Captain Morgan. Experts are predicting he’ll only throw 2 touchdowns instead of his usual 5.

That’s all for week ten. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.