1692 – The Salem Witch trials see numerous women murdered without committing crimes. Unfortunately, this takes place 300 years before the debut of The View.

1770 – The British soldiers who fired the shots that sparked the Boston Massacre are jailed and are refused their afternoon tea and krumpets, which apparently in England is like not being read your Miranda Rights.

1920 - Chain gangs throughout the South replace the prisoners’ cotton kerchiefs with polyester, delivering a huge blow to brow-mopping conditions everywhere.

1986 – Mayor McCheese denies Hamburglar’s request for a conjugal visit from Birdie the Early Bird.

1994 – Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is murdered in prison with a broomstick handle. This unspeakable act violated the broomstick’s right to not be shoved up a psycho’s butthole.

2002 – Guantanamo Bay opens. Prisoners are nocked, maimed, and tortured under the harshest of conditions. Also, no HBO.

2007 – Cult leader Charles Manson denied parole for the 11th time, only adding to the stereotype that all parole board members are heartless old jerks who don’t believe in 11th chances.  

2007 – Michael Vick is imprisoned and isn’t allowed to organize even one measly dog fight.

2012 – Bernie Madoff limited to only 3 Ponzi schemes per month.

2014 – Not satiated by allowing strip searches for all charges, the Supreme Court rules that all inmates must undergo a striptease search in which they’re inspected while they twerk.

KANSAS

* Big man Thomas Robinson will need to overcome his crippling fear of caterpillars while guarding Anthony Davis and his unibrow.

* Leave a duffel bag full of $10,000 in unmarked bills outside the Kentucky locker room and hope they take the hint.

* Make sure Bill Self’s toupee is properly secured so he doesn’t lose it and have to replace it at the last second with a comical looking afro wig.

* Pray that they don’t forget how to dribble.  

* When arguing questionable calls, under NO circumstances should they toss a bucket of confetti in the ref’s face.

* Watch all the Bourne films to get pumped then fight the urge to stab Michael Kidd-Gilchrist with a pen.

* Put lots of pressure on the Kentucky ballhandlers by constantly asking them if they planning to settle down with that sweet girlfriend of theirs and commit already.

* Practice halfcourt shots on the off chance that the game is played under “Rock and Jock” rules.

KENTUCKY

* Hope everybody waits until after the game to declare for the draft.

* Make good use of John Calipari’s newly recruited “bench player” who strongly resembles Derrick Rose in a wig and Groucho glasses.

* Hope that the entire Jayhawk team is scared of phenom Anthony Davis due to his unibrow making him look mad all the time.  

* Show up.

* Halftime speech should include John Calipari saying, “Look, let’s not bother hiding it anymore: if we win, I give each of you $500 grand, no strings.”

* Wait until after they win to tell admit that yes, the entire roster is made up of the Miami Heat wearing Mission Impossible-style masks.

* To put even more pressure on the underdog Jayhawks, suggest that only the winner will be allowed to retain the blue and white color scheme with the loser adopting fuschia and burnt siena.  

* Savor the Final Four appearance before it is inevitably stripped by the NCAA in two weeks.

STEAL GAS
Wait, nevermind. Good idea in theory, but I don’t think it works in practical application. A problem as complex as this calls for a more nuanced approach.

ROB A BANK
That’s more like it. Get some friends with guns together, find a bank, and let nature take its course.

GO TO DIRECTLY TO THE SOURCE
Catch the next flight to Iran. Upon landing, walk up to random Iranians and say, “Fellas: lighten up a little. Putting gas in my gigantic American sport utility vehicle is costing me an arm and a leg. I need that cash to spend on HDTVs, Insane Clown Posse albums, cheeseburgers, and breast implants for my beautiful American wife. I know you guys are just trying to earn an honest buck, but didn’t you make enough off of September 11th? At this point you’re just being greedy!” Your complete understanding of the delicate geopolitical landscape will impress them enough to call the boys at the big oil companies and ask them to make gas only a dollar.

SAVE THE LIFE OF WAWA CEO HOWARD STOECKEL’S FIRST BORN
The LEAST he can do is offer you free gas for life. After all, you did just pull his kid out of a volcano. Whether or not you put him there in the first place as a ploy for free gasoline is irrelevant.

PAY IN COINS
You think the guy working the graveyard at Citgo is going to want to count $4,321 pennies at this time of night? I’m sure he’d just as soon comp you on the house.

CARPOOL
Going to work? Grab a couple of coworkers. Going to a concert? Grab some friends. Going to hide a body, by yourself? Grab a drifter.  

IF YOU PICK UP A DRIFTER, MAKE SURE HE’S IN SHAPE
We all know that the more weight you put in your vehicle, the more fuel it uses. Keep this in mind when you’re transporting vagrants you pick up on the side of the highway. Check his waistline and if you suspect a BMI over 28, think twice before him and his hook hand get in your Corolla.

AVOID GAS GUZZLERS
I’m talking about the worst offenders: Explorers, Escalades, Hummers, Batmobiles, tanks, the hearse from Ghostbusters, Black Beauty, James Bond’s Aston Martin, Fred Flintstone’s foot-powered car, and the jet the X-Men used in X-2: X-Men United.

MAKE THE GAS STATION ATTENDANT FEEL GUILTY
Before you fill up, check the price and do a double take. Roll your eyes.  Mutter loudly enough to be heard, “Goddamn. No Christmas this year, then. Sorry Timmy.” If he still persists that you pay, hold up a puppy and say, “You take one dime and little El Duque here gets it!”

MAKE OTHER FINANCIAL SACRIFICES
Cook at home instead of dining out. Generic products instead of name brand. Silver encrusted leather assless chaps instead of diamond encrusted leather assless chaps. The little things add up.

• A new form of life so beautiful that it will inspire him to spend ten years creating another Dances With Wolves ripoff
• A SHIT TON of pennies
• Quint
• For some reason, four economy-sized containers of Miracle Whip
• A Starbucks
• A submarine full of human skeletons he ignored because that’s not really what he’s here for
• Tupac and Biggie, alive and well, hiding out with plenty of cash, ho’s, and scuba gear
• A wonderful creature that from afar resembled a beautiful mermaid, but on closer inspection turned out to be to a dude in green sweatpants with a giant boner
• Two free passes to the Mariana Trench Old Country Buffet, which includes their award-winning plankton bar
• A singing, dancing squid that he would have brought to Hollywood if he hadn’t murdered it due to an intense hatred of squids he’s harbored since one killed his father in a duel years ago
• Joey Lawrence
• Some spider-jellyfish that will creep all of us out when we think about it next time we’re at the beach

PERFORMING STAND-UP COMEDY
STRENGTHS: Anyone can do it, but very few master it. It takes a special combination of writing ability, performance skills, and nerves of steel to succeed.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie first set is at the Dantooine Pizza Time in Southeast Dantooine. Most of the crowd is surprised an open mic is even going on, and the MC mispronounces his name as, “Chew-back-uh,” like Lando did in Empire Strikes Back. Chewie’s five minutes on stage do not go well. In a misguided attempt at being edgy, he simply reads facts off Snapple lids and follows each bit of triva by saying, “What in the fuck are these people TALKIN’ about?!?” hoping that will become his catchphrase. He closes with a dirty street joke that gets zero laughs. While he struggles initially, he works hard for a year and ends up middling for Jeff Foxworthy at a Cloud City casino.

GETTING OUT OF JURY DUTY
STRENGTHS: As our civic duty, everyone’s number gets called for jury duty at some point.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Feigning sickness, Chewie shows up to the courtroom with crutches, a fake cast on his arm, and an eyepatch for some reason. He presents a fake note from his mother to the judge. The judge dismisses him not because of the note, but because he is a giant hairy beast walking around on two legs, terrifying everyone.

WINNING THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
STRENGTHS: Say what you want about Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, but they are calculating politicians who will stop at nothing to achieve their goals.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: After getting throttled in the debate, Chewie refuses to leave the podium.

“Hey look, I ain’t leaving this stage until I get to fight the both of you. We all know we need a president who can kick ass every once in awhile, so show me what you got. C’mon, we all saw Independence Day, right?” Several people actually clap for this.

“This is ridiculous!” says Romney. “We are both important men! Wearing suits, no less!”

Chewie pulls a fat wad of $100 bills out of the back pocket of his Armani suit. “There’s $50 grand right here, fucko. Either of you whip me and it’s all yours.”

After sharing quick glances, Santorum and Romney charge the podium in an attempt to claim the prize and are quickly beaten. It’s a technically impressive pummelling, as he utilizes several MMA submission holds to force Romney and Santorum to tap. ”I don’t care what y’all say,” says Chewie as he lights a stogie while standing over Santorum and Romney’s beaten bodies, “but ain’t nothing more presidential than a Wookiee ass kicking.”

“Mr. Chewbacca,” says a reporter, “Who’s going to be your running mate?”

He puts out the remnants of his cigar on Romney’s forehead, smirks and says, ”Wedge. Peace out, motherfuckers.”  

GOING BACK IN TIME TO SAVE JFK
STRENGTHS: Time machines don’t exist, so this one would be really hard.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie and Luke spend an entire rainy weekend inside building a time machine made out of a refrigerator box, an outboard motor, two oars, an umbrella, and an iPad. Amazingly, they actually get the contraption to travel back in time, but they end up ignoring the historic murder to check out a movie and cruise for some of what Chewbacca refers to as “some of that sweet time travel trim.”

FILLING OUT A BRACKET FOR MARCH MADNESS
STRENGTHS: With the unpredictability of the NCAA tournament, winning your a March Madness pool depends on a combination of basketball knowledge and luck.
BUT COULD IT BEAT CHEWBACCA?: Chewie starts off strong, picking Norfolk State’s upset over second seeded Missouri, but neglects to fill out the rest of his bracket when he is distracted by a large hunk of meat hanging from a tree outside his house.

KONY
STRENGTHS: The Ugandan guerrilla commander is as evil as he is formidable.
BUT COULD HE BEAT CHEWBACCA?:  Chewie himself cannot penetrate the dictator’s inner circle…but his good friend Lando does, after posing as one of Kony’s security guards. Chewie and Lando deliver a swift ass kicking and free most of Kony’s kids. Chewie then takes four of them home to do his yard work and serve him lemonade before being chastised by Han into setting them free.

That’s why I was quite startled to hear that Michael Bay is producing a TMNT reboot. A lot of people on the Internet are upset at one of the changes he’s making to the Turtles’ origin story. Here’s what he had to say about it:

“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie,” said Bay as he took the stage to discuss his new vision for the reptilian reboot. “These turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable.”

Let’s break this disturbing quote down, line by line:

When you see this movie, kids are going to believe one day these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie.

I was 7 when the first TMNT came out. There was no CGI, but it looked good enough. You know what I never once thought, in my stupid little kid head? “How’d they find turtles as big as people? And how’d they get ‘em to talk?” The Turtles didn’t look real, and I didn’t care. My enjoyment of a movie has never depended on whether or not I thought it was actually happening. Example: Batman is not a guy in real life. Still dug the movie.

These turtles are from an alien race…

Hold it. Before we get into this, let me say that there are PLENTY of good reasons to change the Turtles’ back story. For one, in real life, radioactive waste doesn’t make animals into wisecracking ninjas.  Here’s a sad fact, sports fans: with their exposure to toxic chemicals at a very young age, the Ninja Turtles aren’t making it to 50. So as a fan of the characters, I’m fine with them removing the toxic waste element. No one wants to imagine a middle-aged, liver-spotted Donatello feebly shuffling into the hospital for chemo.

Altering canon does not have to be sacrilegious. If done for the right purposes, changes to long-accepted story conventions can offer a refreshing take on classic characters. Nolan did it with Batman. Raimi did it with Peter Parker.  But those were delicate alterations executed with precision, forethought, and care.  That isn’t the case here. The Ninja Turtles are now aliens because Michael Bay jerked off to Armaggedon one morning, walked into a room full of writers and yelled, “Let’s make the karate frogs from space!” before going home to chug Red Bull and watch police chases on YouTube.

…and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable.

First of all, anyone who describes something they’re doing as “edgy” is, by definition, not edgy. Second of all, who cares if they’re edgy? I love the damn thing, and even I admit that it’s just a stupid cartoon. I don’t need to see Mikey and Raph protesting at OWS. I don’t need to see Leonardo getting his AIDS test.  During the late ’80′s, no one looked to TMNT for its subversiveness.  This entire quote reeks of insincerity. “Edgy, funny, and loveable.” All phony sounding adjectives with no real substance to them. This comment feels like Bay just now remembered he’s been paid to produce this movie, and he’s struggling to think of something to say. “Ninja Turtles? What the…oh, right, those guys. Yeah, they’re going to be edgy, and funny, and completely loveable…they’re going to do lots of ninja kicks, and do other turtle-y stuff, and uhh, mutant…and at the end of the day, they’ll eat some burgers and fries with their old master, Yoda.”

Listen, I’m a 28 year old man. My years of enjoying the Ninja Turtles for non-nostalgic purposes have been over for almost 20 years now. But there are lots of kids out there who’ve never seen the show, comics, or movies. Who knows how much enjoyment they could get out of the Turtles as they were? The original cartoon and movies weren’t high art, but they were lots of fun, and they had great characters kids could relate to. What kid didn’t like pizza? What kid didn’t like skateboarding? What kid didn’t like fighting  robot ninjas employed by a talking brain?That’s what’s so confusing part about this. You don’t really need to change it.  You’re going to make millions either way. Now, is there room for improvement? Of course.  Any existing property can be improved upon.

But not by THIS guy. 

You’re talking about Michael Bay. This man turned one of the worst tragedies in the history of the United States into a three hour Super Bowl commercial. This is man gave us copulating rats. This man gave us a car chase withcorpses thrown out the back of a speeding van. This man thought, “Yeah, the Constructicons are cool and all, but do ya think it would be better if they had a giant nutsack? Yeah you know what, we should go ahead and give them a giant nutsack.”

Go ruin somebody else’s idea, or think up your own. But stay away from Leo, Raph, Donnie, and Mikey.

 And if we see the return of Super Shredder, only this time with a giant nutsack, I am heading for the frigging hills.

DENVER BRONCOS
Pros
* Moving from the Colts to the Broncos allows him to maintain a consistent “horse mascot” motif.
* Can relate to team president John Elway if he has any trouble adjusting to becoming a beloved, awesomely talented veteran QB making millions and essentially being handed the keys to an entire organization.
Cons
* May clash with devout Christian Tim Tebow, as few realize that Manning is actually a deeply committed Orthodox Jew. He even has a large back tattoo of Jewish actor Fyvush Finkel to prove it.
* Angered current RB Willis McGahee at the 2007 Pro Bowl when Manning ripped a beefy fart in the huddle, waved his hand in front of his nose, and said, “Whoa, Willis…what did you eat?”

ARIZONA CARDINALS
Pros
* He’ll save the life of current Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb, who will be murdered by Larry Fitzgerald if the team fails to sign a real QB.
* Is already familiar with head coach Ken Whisenhunt, which will come in handy when Whisenhunt kowtows to him like a frightened child on every major team decision.
Cons
* One of his favorite pastimes is knitting handmade quilts, which will be rendered useless in the Arizona heat.
*  State’s large retiree population provide a daily reminder of the inevitability of death’s dark shadow overtaking us all.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERs
Pros
* Will allow him to fulfill his lifelong dream of making a shot-for-shot remake of Full House’s opening credit sequence.
* Should have plenty to talk about with Randy Moss, as one of Manning’s favorite things to do in his spare time is recklessly drive around while terrified parking cops cling to the hood of his car.
Cons
* Dinners with coach Jim Harbaugh will be brutal, as they’ll probably do that alpha male thing where they both get pissed when the other guy tries to pick up the check.
* The signing of WR Mario Manningham undoubtedly violates Manning’s longstanding rule of not playing with anyone with the word “Manning” anywhere else in his name.

MIAMI DOLPHINS
Pros
* Assuming he’ll get to live in a houseboat and ride an actual dolphin to work.
* Team traded brash psychotic WR Brandon Marshall, which is good, because Manning prefers his #1 receivers to be quieter, workmanlike psychotics like Marvin Harrison.
Cons
* Team has already denied the notoriously huge Gloria Estefan fan’s request to change its name to the “Miami Football Machine.”
* Ricky Williams probably took all the good weed with him.

TENNESSEE TITANS
Pros
* If he has any trouble finding a gold-plated, diamond-studded grill to wear garishly over his front teeth, Chris Johnson probably knows a guy.
* Played his college ball in Knoxville, which means he’ll know some great places to get wasted after games.  
Cons
* Titans QBs seem eternally cursed to have horrible things happen to them, as Kerry Collins struggled with alcoholism for years, Steve McNair was murdered in cold blood, and Matt Hasselbeck went bald at like, 24.
* Will have to fight the urge to chuckle every team he sees the team’s name in print, because look…it says “tit.”

Do take Thursday and Friday off. You don’t want to have to worry about working on days featuring sixteen games.
Don’t quit your job. If you have the vacation, take it; if not, don’t storm in and tell your boss that he can stick his mediocre pay up his ass so you can go watch Duke facial Lehigh.

Do get to the bar early. If you plan on staying where you’re at all day, get there at 11 in the morning to get a good table (I’m not joking).  
Don’t sleep there the night before. Showing up at the bar with pajamas, a teddy bear, and a pillow while asking if they have a couch you can crash on will endear you to no one.

Do go to Vegas. I’ve never been for the tournament, but I heard it’s awesome.
Don’t go overboard on the gambling. By the time the Final Four rolls around you want to be focused on the games, not wondering if you’re HMO covers bookie-induced tibia fractures.

Do overtip your waitress. If you’re posting up at the same spot for more than two hours, you might want to throw her a couple extra bucks.
Don’t think you’re Ray Liotta in Goodfellas for doing so. Throwing the waitress an extra five is fine, but your friends will think you’re a douche if you start throwing twenties to bartenders, cooks, hostesses, and confused but appreciative busboys.

Do get passionate. Everyone likes a fan who’s into the game.  
Don’t go overboard. Nobody wants to be the ”Is he taking his shirt off in public?”  guy.

Do quote your favorite announcer if it is Bill Raftery. He’s the best in the business. SEND IT IN JEROME! 
Don’t quote your favorite announcer if it is Dick Vitale. In today’s society, calling everyone “baby” will inevitably result in a sexual harrassment charge at some point down the line. If you mimic Vitale, are you really willing to get a drink thrown in your face, slapped, and prosecuted? All so you can be like some bald asshole who looks like an owl?

Do fill out a bracket. Why wouldn’t you? Even if it sucks, so what? Nobody knows what they’re doing.
Don’t be “that guy.” Congratulations on going out on a limb and predicting that UNC and Kentucky would make deep runs in the tournament. We’re all very, very impressed. Look, the whole thing is a crap shoot. If you pick a few games right, go ahead and celebrate, but don’t act like you’re some genius because you “had” Murray State going to the Elite 8. Be honest with everyone, you did it because your neighbor’s dog is named Murray. Or maybe you really enjoy Canadian songstress Anne Murray. Either way, you’re not Jay Bilas.  

Do talk trash. It’s all in good fun.
Don’t start a fight. No use doing time for aggravated assault because some dude behind you got angry at your “Coach K looks like Hitler shaved his moustache!” routine that everyone has used since ’86.

Do talk basketball. Use whatever knowledge you have to engage other basketball fans in stimulating conversation about the game.
Don’t lie about your basketball acumen.  There’s no need to lie to girls and tell them you know what you’re talking about because you played Division III just to improve your already middling chances of getting laid.

Do have some drinks. You’re going to be at a bar, presumably, so of course you should have a few adult bevs.
Don’t get too wasted. By the time the late games roll around, everyone wants to focus on basketball. Nobody wants to focus on stopping the guy singing Prince’s Raspberry Beret in a UNC jersey with his pants off from driving home.

Think about it. Let’s say I’m cruising at 35,000 feet. My feet are up. The in-flight entertainment is a decent film. The seat next to me is empty, doubling my leg room. Everything’s seemingly going fine. So let’s say I decide to exercise my right as an older than 21-year-old-man and enjoy a frosty adult beverage or four.

Then let’s say we roll into some fog, and one of the pilots accidently hits an overachieving gull, way up high in the air. The captain has a heart attack from the shock of creaming the gull. The first mate has a heart attack from the shock of the captain having a heart attack. The flight attendants all pass out from nervousness. Everyone in the cabin faints due to the air pressure.

THEN let’s say there are two pilots left standing, along with me, as we nose dive into oblivion. They each decide they want the glory. So they fight for the top spot in the cockpit. They end up knocking each other out trying to get in there and land this thing. That leaves me, who is already like, 8 Captain and Cokes deep. The fate of everyone on this plane rests in the hands of a guy who can’t see straight and hasn’t even broken the seal yet.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever landed a plane drunk. I know I haven’t. I haven’t done it sober either, but I for sure KNOW I couldn’t do it wasted. If I attempt it drunk, I’m either crashing or landing it but hitting a mailbox or something. Then you’d have to be a dick and abandon it before the cops show, because who can afford that DUI? “Get out of here bro, I’ve got priors! Don’t leave a note, just throw some cash on the hood and let’s hide behind that Wawa down the street!”

The worst part would be is if you landed it loaded, and then got a DUI anyway. While all the passengers are celebrating their survival, you’re busy touching your nose on one foot while you say the ABC’s backwards.

There may come a time when you’re drunk and you’re asked to land a plane. Though it’s never happened to me, here are five tips on ways to handle this oddly specific situation I thought about while I was drinking at an airport bar last week:

1) Before you enter the cockpit, chew a mint followed by a couple pennies so no one can smell the whiskey on your breath.

2) Take a good long pee before you get into the cockpit, because there’s no re-breaking the seal once you’re in there. Try to piss in one of the bathrooms, but if you’ve had too much to drink, you may not have a choice where you go.

3) Don’t drunk text anyone while you’re trying to fly. It may be embarrassing if you make it, plus something about wireless devices is bad for planes. Want more detail than that? Fuck off and go ask a scientist.

4) It’s okay to show the passengers how calm you are in a time of crisis. It’s NOT okay to show that calmness by traipsing through the aisles pantless while singing selections from The Music Man.

5) Finally, remember: Beer before liquor? Never been sicker. Liquor before beer, before you have to land a plane? You’re going to die, but at least you won’t vomit first.

It all started one day when I was doing a particular set of exercises at my local gym. A trainer approached me. I said, “Hey, pal, I was right in the middle of a particular set of reps. What gives?” He tells me what’s all the rage in the fitness community: wolf-fighting. Apparently it’s a great way to get your cardio in, plus you get to meet a particular set of babes after you get a particular set of six pack abs. So I retired to my study with a particular set of books on the subject and began a particular set of workout classes designed to help people fight wolves. They took place every Wednesday from 5-7. It was right after my particular set of zumba classes, so the timing was especially fortuitous.  

After a particular set of 8 weeks worth of classes and a particular set of graduation ceremonies commemorating my spot as valedictorian of my wolf-fighting class, it was on to the real thing. I was scheduled to fight a particular set of wolves in a particular set of 15 round bouts, each fight a week apart. I ended up going 2-2, which isn’t a particular set of great, but it was a particular set of good starts.

Despite everyone (even the wolves I fought) telling me what was a decent beginning to my wolf-fighting career, my .500 record left me with a particular set of melancholy feelings. I should have performed better! What I realized was that I needed a particular set of expert tutelage. Many told me that I needed to seek out a particular set of wolf-fighting trainers but I said no. The best way to learn how to fight a particular set of wolves would be to learn from a particular set of wolves.

I settled on an old grizzled wolf who lived in a particular set of squalor in a shitty studio apartment. Initially he had me doing a particular set of mundane chores around the house that had nothing to do with fighting. Once we began a particular set of fighting exercises though, I realized that the particular set of movements I had mastered while Swiffering his kitchen floor would come in a particular set of handy when I fought wolves! My sensei also cautioned me about starting my career to fast by flaming out against a particular set of experienced wolves, so to begin he had me work my way up to their level by fighting a particular set of puppies.

Yep, so for awhile it was just me walking around town with my wolf-sensei on my back, looking for a bunch of puppies to deliver a particular set of ass-kickings to. After puppies I graduated to a particular set of full grown dogs. After dogs, it was onto a particular set of wolves with shitty fighting ability referred to as “tomato cans.”  I destroyed all of these hacks. After a particular set of fights in which I won in a particular set of early-round knockouts, we were contacted by a particular set of representation for the heavyweight champion wolf, wanting to give an unknown like myself a title shot in my hometown. Even though he kicked a particular set of shit out of me and won on points, I was able to go the distance and earn everyone’s respect. I then had a particular set of wolf fights go extremely against a particular set of competitors such as a wolf that wore gold chains and a mohawk, a massive Russian wolf, and Tommy Morrison in a sports bar, for some reason.

So let this be a warning to you, wolves: Liam Neeson doesn’t fuck around. I have a particular set of background fighting you. Just because we’re going to be in the Alps, or Wisconsin, or wherever this shitty movie takes place, doesn’t negate my particular set of experiences. You may think you’re tough, but after I’ve boxed your ears in and have you crying for your wolf mothers, don’t expect Liam Neeson to grant you a particular set of mercy.